Part II: Random Interviews--Old Folks Home Nurse (Case of the Masturbating Nuns), The Call Girl, P/T Gambler, The Boatman, Whitegirl Gangsta, One-Legged DJ, The Anus Dude, Number Man, Charity Ward Lady, Cocaine JesusMan, & Drunk Biker

Interview with p/t Gambler
Dege: How’d you get started gambling?
Gambler: The parents of one of my best friends took me to Evangeline Downs (horse track) in the 60’s. Made my first bet on that day. $2.
Dege: What’s your favorite form of gambling?
Gambler: I’m into that Texas Hold’em right now. I fought it for a long while and then when it got on the TV and had that big spike, I knew that just walking up to the tables I’d be better than 90% of the people playing at that level…at the lower levels…bottom feeding.
Dege: Do you consider yourself a degenerate gambler?
Gambler: Nooooot…really. I’m one of the few that’s got the discipline to walk away. I read gambling books. I study it, but I’m not addicted to it at all. I do my homework.
Dege: What’s most money you’ve won in a night of gambling?
Gambler: It was a minute and ten seconds on a horse at the fairgrounds. I bet a hundred dollars to win and it went off like 20 something-to-1. And I cashed $2,280.
Dege: What’s the most you’ve ever lost?
Gambler: About $800. Blackjack.
Dege: You go to Vegas?
Gambler: 2 or 3 times a year. I know how to get all the free comps and all that. One of my sayings is, “There’s no shame in breaking even.” You get all the comps. Free room, Free drinks. Free meals.
Dege: And you have a good time.
Gambler: Shit, what’s wrong with that? And you get entertainment? Where can you get that…for nothing?
Dege: You have a strategy when you’re playing?
Gambler: I talk the talk at the tables. A little shit here and there. Have a good time. Usually, everybody has fun with me and enjoys the game unless someone’s an asshole…but, hey, that’s my job!
Dege: What form of gambling would you suggest for a beginner?
Gambler: Not horses! Never horses. It’s just too hard. Too brutal…and it gives you the least edge. I’d suggest blackjack. Get you a book on counting cards and the game and go from there. Or Limit Hold’em.
Dege: (pointing) What’s that big bag of trash over there on the side of the road?
Gambler: Probably white trash.
Dege: Are you a Sinatra fan?
Gambler: Love him.
Dege: Favorite song?
Gambler: “Summer Wind.” My favorite period of his is ’55 to ’59, the Capitol years.
Dege: Seen him live?
Gambler: Twice.
Dege: When and where?
Gambler: Both times at the Super Dome in New Orleans. It was during the autumn of his years, my friend. The first time was real good, but Dean cancelled. The second time was horrible, because he was losing it. “I’m losing it, baby.”
Dege: Yeh?
Gambler: Those were Frank’s last words, by the way, “I’m losing it, baby!”
Dege: When he was dying, you mean?
Gambler: Yeh, Nancy, or one them, was at his death bed and he turned and said, “I’m losing it, baby!” And then he passed. That’s Frank for you…always in the game.


Interview with the Boat Man
Dege: What kind of a boat do you work on?
Boatman: It’s an 86ft utility boat…a Graham Hall. Real common in the Gulf. Old Man Graham built a bunch of cookie cutter style boats like the one I’m on, back in the 70’s and 80’s…with a template that he developed…
Dege: Time out for a second. I ask everyone I interview to keep his or her answers fairly brief, in respect to technical jargon, because I’m going to have to transcribe this later…
Boatman: Oh, ok. Sorry.
Dege: No big deal. How’d you get started doing this kind of thing?
Boatman: Fell into it after 20 tough years of struggling in Tucson, AZ. I was homeless, living in a shelter, and ran into a guy from Shreveport who’d been doing this kind of work. He lined me up on where to go and who to see. And I fell into this job and now I don’t ever want to work a land job again.
Dege: What exactly do you do on the boat?
Boatman: Rudimentary maintenance. Oil changes and such. The safe and effective operation of every mechanical system on the boat whether it’s the power plants, the generators, the water and electricity…basically everything the way your home is set up…only this home happens to float.
Dege: How much do you make a year?
Boatman: I, myself, in the position I’m in, make about…$20,000 a year.
Dege: Do you see some cool stuff out there on the water?
Boatman: Water spouts…which are tornados on the water. They’re cool to watch if you can keep your distance, because they’re dangerous.
Dege: Earlier, you’d mentioned you were homeless. What precipitated that?
Boatman: I was the lead framer for a general contractor, working construction…and he laid me off. I made a trip to Las Vegas to see my girlfriend, who happened to be a crazy, heartless bitch. She gambled the rest of my money away and on the drive back to Tucson, my truck broke down in the middle of the desert. I had to abandon it there…with about $10,000 worth of tools and stuff. It went down hill from there.
Dege: What’d you do?
Boatman: I was on the streets. Depressed. I’m a God-fearing Christian, so I just looked for work and lived out of homeless shelters for a year till this boat work came up.
Dege: How kind of injuries do ya’ll experience out on the boats?
Boatman: Any number of things. You can have a rope or a cable snap and cut your head off or cut you in two. Or you can get pinned against a bulkhead and slice you in half. You can have a load from a crane drop on you and crush you. A swing, in heavy seas, can hit you and break you into pieces against another load. Lot of stuff can go wrong.
Dege: In your experience, how often would you guess these kinds of accidents happen out there?
Boatman: Probably more often than most people are aware of…it’s more dangerous on tugboats, though. I would guess about 2 to 5 people a year get killed.
Dege: Thanks for talking with me and good luck with everything.
Boatman: You’re very welcome. Are you a writer?
Dege: I guess you could call it that.


Interview with Whitegirl Gangsta Chick
Dege: Where are you from?
WhiteGirl: I grew up on the east bank! Algiers, baby!
Dege: What brought you here?
WhiteGirl: I wanted to get away from the people that I was around. They was fucking me over on a bunch of things, so I took my man and came here. Also, the state wanted me to start taking psychotropic drugs, in order to keep my two kids, but I wouldn’t do it.
Dege: Why not?
WhiteGirl: I ain’t taking that motherfucking shit! No, no, honey. That ain’t going to change me. I don’t play that shit.
Dege: So they took your kids?
WhiteGirl: They was gonna take them anyway. I ain’t had no choice.
Dege: Do you have family still there?
WhiteGirl: Just my daddy, but he’s fucked in the head.
Dege: How so?
WhiteGirl: How so? I tell you how so…he fucking beat the shit out of me since the time I can remember! Raped me! Burned and beat me! What the fuck! You think I’m gonna stay around there… with him? I hope that motherfucker is dead, right now, I tell you.
Dege: Sorry.
WhiteGirl: Oh, it ain’t your fault. I just get pissed off when I talk about that motherfucker.
Dege: What about your mother?
WhiteGirl: My momma died when I was young.
Dege: How did you go about surviving that time, growing up?
WhiteGirl: I’m a survivor. I’m a gangsta. I started dancing in clubs when I was 15. Dancing in the French Quarter.
Dege: Didn’t they give you shit about your age?
WhiteGirl: They don’t give a shit. It brought in business. They just pretended not to know…and fixed my papers and all that.
Dege: I’ve noticed that a lot of white people who’ve had tough upbringings refer to themselves as “gangsta.”
WhiteGirl: Yeh, but I’m the real deal. Try to fuck with me and you’re gonna see what you get. I don’t play round. I’ll hurt anybody’s motherfucking ass if they want to fuck with me.
Dege: You’ve been through a lot.
WhiteGirl: I’ve been through too much. Look at me! How old you think I am?
Dege: 27?
WhiteGirl: I just turned 20 two months ago. I never thought I’d see 20.
Dege: Wow. Most people refer to 30 as their sell-by date.
WhiteGirl: Well, I made it to 20 and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m fucking crazy, but I’m glad to be alive.


Interview with the One-Legged Disc Jockey
Dege: How you doing?
Disc-Jockey: I’m good and yourself.
Dege: Living.
Disc-Jockey: That’s what I’m talking about.
Dege: I see you’ve got a cane. That’s a nice cane!
Disc-Jockey: That cane’s cuz I’m blind in one eye, missing a leg, and only got one kidney…and it don’t hardly work none. Diabetes.
Dege: Wow. That’s a lot of stuff going on.
Disc-Jockey: No, that’s a lot of stuff that ain’t going on, no more, but I make due.
Dege: I see that. Man, you’ve got a good vibe!
Disc-Jockey: Well, I’m an entertainer by trade…a disc jockey. Got back from Vietnam in ’72 and all I wanted to do was spin records. So that’s what I done. Got me a business started and went to work.
Dege: And how did that do you?
Disc-Jockey: Beautiful. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. Motown! Spinning them soul records. Making people feel good. Dancing. Weddings. Parties. All that stuff, man. I done it all…and made me some money doing it. I was like a celebrity up in Shreveport. All the people wanted me. Them women, too. Left a lot jealous men up there.
Dege: People love to hate on you when you’re doing good.
Disc-Jockey: Oh, I know, I know…and I lived it.
Dege: Human nature has got some petty kinks to work out.
Disc-Jockey: Oh, but I loved it. Did it till I got married. My wife wasn’t having any of that—me being out all night with a bunch of womens around. I can still dance, though…better then most white folks with two legs!
Dege: Yes!
Disc-Jockey: Don’t doubt it! Don’t doubt it.
Dege: I ain’t. I ain’t.
Disc-Jockey: (laughing) You…alright…with the…what you call it?
Dege: The vibe?
Disc-Jockey: That’s it.
Dege: Right back at you.
Disc-Jockey: Yeh, we used to say that back in the ‘60’s.
Dege: Tell me about Vietnam.
Disc-Jockey: Oh, I hated it. Every minute of it. Officers treated me like a damn nigger the whole time I was over there. Almost killed me, but I persevered. I’m an enlightened individual…but of course, they didn’t see me as that.
Dege: I can tell you’re a sensitive person.
Disc-Jockey: Very sensitive. People try to break you of that. Break you down. Put you down. But you never let them get to you…even when they do.
Dege: Excuse me for saying this, but you’re a truly inspiring motherfucker.
Disc-Jockey: I’m just living the life that was given to me.


Interview with Anus Dude, Walking 3am
Dege: Where you going?
Dude: Away from here (points to a hotel).
Dege: What’s going on? What’s wrong?
Dude: What’s wrong? Ah…I don’t wanna talk about it.
Dege: Come on, man.
Dude: No, dude. It’s seriously fucked up.
Dege: What the fuck happened in there? You didn’t kill anybody, huh?
Dude: Fuck no! This crazy bitch that I picked up in the bar…she…we came back to her hotel room. We’ve been drinking all night.
Dege: Right.
Dude: We started fucking around and she pulls out this strap-on dildo and decides she wants to fuck me in the ass! Thing was huge!
Dege: No fucking way!
Dude: (incredulous) Crazy bitch wanted to fuck me in the ass. Can you believe that shit?
Dege: What’d you do?
Dude: I told her no fucking way! I put my clothes on and got the fuck out of there.
Dege: What did she do?
Dude: Bitch got all pissed off…at me not letting her fuck me in the ass! She was set. She lost her shit when I got up to leave. Cussing and screaming at me and losing it.
Dege: It’s usually the dude that’s the one trying to bust that move…on the chick.
Dude: I know!
Dege: Weird.
Dude: I’m down with anal sex…but not on me!
Dege: Chick flipped it on you, brah.
Dude: How fucked up is that shit?
Dege: Jailhouse Love. Chicks are getting crafty these days. They’re crazier than the dudes.
Dude: More like fucking…jailhouse rape!
Dege: Hey, maybe we’re at a place in society where the chicks are going to be coming at us with some new-heavy women’s lib, revenge shit…that we’re not ready for.
Dude: Count me out of that shit.
Dege: Come on, dude! It might be the new thing…like snowboarding…or…
Dude: No fucking way. My ass is my property and ain’t nobody sticking nothing up in it.
Dege: I don’t know, man. This may be a sign of things to come. Sexual Equality…and this chick is spearheading the movement…pun intended.
Dude: Absolutely not ever. No. Not with my fucking ass.


Interview with the Number Man
Dege: Do you like to gamble?
NumberMan: I will bet your ass on a frog hopping across the street—on one leg—whether or not he’ll get run over. I was born to gamble…and I will find something to fucking bet money on…from a sucker game to frog hopping.
Dege: What’s your best game?
NumberMan: Shooting pool among other things. All’s I do is numbers—All day long. Everything has a number—how fast you’re going, if you hit that pole. It’s simple numbers. I look ahead and I see the numbers coming—more often than it should be. A lot of it has to do with counting cards. It’s all numbers. I talk a lot shit. I’m probably more likely to walk into a bar and get in a fight before you because you’re quiet. It’s simple; what you do creates more numbers. You either open or you close the numbers off to yourself. Same as on the card table as in life. You have to see what the numbers are falling like and make a decision. You can play trends or you can play basic numbers. It’s all a number. That tree over there is a five. (pointing) Those chicks are 9’s. That guy’s a dork, he looks like a 2.
Dege: (pointing across the street) What about that crazy looking stray dog across the road?
NumberMan: Uh…he’s kind of mangy…but he’s got some guts. He’s like a 7.5.
Dege: I like those odds.
NumberMan: You want to make a bet?
Dege: Pass.
NumberMan: Smart man.

Interview with the Love Lady of the Charity Ward
(Nurse’s aid)
LoveLady: I had to deal with a schizo today.
Dege: What was he doing?
LoveLady: Just being violent and crazy…threatening to knock things around.
Dege: That sucks. You didn’t get hurt or nothing, huh?
LoveLady: No, fortunately.
Dege: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen at the hospital?
LoveLady: This guy that was a musician. He was locked up in the mental ward. He would sing songs on his guitar and record them.
Dege: He had a tape recorder with him in the ward?
LoveLady: Yes, and he’d record his little songs and then play them back to us on his little machine…and there’d be another voice singing with him on the tape.
Dege: What do you mean…like a ghost?
LoveLady: Yes, it was the strangest thing. You could hear it, singing along with him in the background on each of these pretty songs he’d write.
Dege: Wow!
LoveLady: And we knew…there was no one in there with him, because he was alone in his room.
Dege: And was it just a regular tape recorder?
LoveLady: Yeh, just a little machine that you play cassettes on.
Dege: What’s the hardest thing about your job?
LoveLady: Well, I work in the disease ward now. I suppose the hardest thing is watching people die. Not necessarily the old—them too—but the young people. It’s heart breaking, but it’s part of the job…and you get used to it, but not so much with the young folks.
Dege: Kids.
LoveLady: It’s a depressing kind of thing.
Dege: How many people do you see die a month?
LoveLady: Oh…approximately about 8 a month, I guess.
Dege: How do you deal with that?
LoveLady: I try to minister to…their souls, because, you know, it’s hard to die without God…without a god. Me, personally, it’s all about Love…the real deep kind of love…and giving it to people. That’s what it’s all about. Taking care of one another on this earth. Love will take you to the man above.
Dege: Humanity…we’ve got to take care of one another…as if we’re all pieces of one god…that’s how I see it.
LoveLady: Yes, that’s a way of looking at it. As long as that love that you put out is real…and deep. Don’t matter if you know them or not. You’ve got to see yourself inside them for it to be a real, godly-type love.

Interview with The Cocaine Jesus Man
Coke/JesusMan: Man, I’m pissed off!
Dege: Talk to me. What’s wrong?
Coke/JesusMan: I just got in a fight with my old lady.
Dege: What happened?
Coke/JesusMan: We were arguing cuz she’s a nurse and she don’t do no drugs or nothing…and she said, “How come you’re talking so much?” And I said, because, “Because…uh…I’d been doing some cocaine the other night…and it’s still in my system.” And she said, “Well, that’s sad. You’re doing cocaine, now…plus marijuana, plus this, plus that.”
Dege: What’d you do?
Coke/JesusMan: I said, “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” And I lost my temper and told her that I was getting the fuck out there…cuz I just can’t…she was annoying the shit out of me, you know?
Dege: Right.
Coke/JesusMan: And so I left, I’d just gotten out of church—was in a good mood—and she just ruined it for me by bringing that up.
Dege: Little cocaine and Jesus never hurt nobody.
Coke/JesusMan: That’s what I’m saying!
Dege: How long have you been doing drugs and all that?
Coke/JesusMan: Since I was 12. I’m 47, now. I shouldn’t still be doing this stupid stuff, but I do…I get prescription pills. I get Lortabs. I get Xanax. I get anti-depressants. I’m fucked up. I got a lot of stuff to deal with.
Dege: I see that.
Coke/JesusMan: I got to do something. Fuck just sitting around, doing nothing. I got to do something to have my fun.


Interview with a Drunk Biker Man
DrunkBiker: Man, I’m fried.
Dege: Why are you fried?
DrunkBiker: Cuz I’m drunk.
Dege: Why are you drunk?
DrunkBiker: Cuz that’s what I do. I get drunk…and then I get fried. I like to get fucked up. (laughs)
Dege: Straight Fried!
DrunkBiker: You said it. (Aggressively) But don’t fuck with me! You fucking with me?! Cuz you better not be fucking with me. I don’t play that shit!
Dege: Nobody’s fucking with you, Cowboy! Settle down.
DrunkBiker: Good! Cuz I’m Mafia, brother. You don’t fuck with us. 100% Sicilian!
Dege: I got you. Nobody’s fucking with you. I’m just talking with you.
DrunkBiker: Did I tell you that I’m a writer?
Dege: No, what do you write?
DrunkBiker: Books, man! Books!
Dege: I’m a writer, too.
DrunkBiker: I been trying to get my book published. You don’t know anybody do you?
Dege: What’s it called…your book?
DrunkBiker: (aggressive) You fucking with me???
Dege: Come one, man! Why do you keep switching gears with this, “You fucking with me, bruh” shit?” Relax. Go to a happy place. Now…what’s the name of your book?
DrunkBiker: (mellowing) The name of my book is (mumbling inaudibly) “Dart Sazursah…”
Dege: Dart Shack?
DrunkBiker: No, man. DarK Shadoooowwws.
Dege: Oh, Dark Shadows.
DrunkBiker: Now you got it. That’s my book! I wrote that shit. Been working on it for 10years. I’m a writer!
Dege: Got it. What’s it about?
DrunkBiker: (mood swinging) Man, WHERE YOU FROM, BRUH???
Dege: Not again, man! Chill! You got to Cowboy Up or something. Take some medication or…
DrunkBiker: Yeh, I know! I know! (relaxing) I’m sorry, bruh. I’m just like that. I got a lot of shit going on. Sometimes I don’t know which way is up or down. You see where I live, out here, down the road—I’m all by myself. My family don’t even talk to me. Don’t even call. I’m all alone in this motherfucking world!
Dege: Well, you ain’t alone, now. You’re talking to me, ain’t you?
DrunkBiker: Yeh, I guess so, bruh.
Dege: Come on, I’m losing you. Tell me about your book.
DrunkBiker: I tired of talking about that shit, man. It’s taken me forever to write the damn thing and now I can’t…I don’t know nobody.
Dege: Tell me about your family then.
DrunkBiker: Fuck them!!! They all just piss me off too much!
Dege: Well, have you ever stopped to wonder why? Maybe all the crazy drinking and shit has freaked them out?
DrunkBiker: Hey, bruh, I got to drink. It’s the only way I can deal with all of this SHIT. It’s my only way of dealing with it all. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t get fucked up. Hey, bruh, that ain’t me, alright?
Dege: Well then, what is YOU? Where do you begin and it end…all that shit out there?
DrunkBiker: Bruh, I don’t know…and I don’t wanna know.